"It’s much easier to fall in love than to do the hard work of looking at your own life and character and that of a partner to see if you can form a lasting bond," says Susanne Alexander, relationship and marriage coach and author, along with John S. Miller, of the 2006 book, Can We Dance? Learning the Steps for a Fulfilling Relationship. Worksheets, examples of real-life situations, questions for reflection, cartoons and various creativity exercises help people learn about themselves and their partners.

"I like that relationships have hope; that if we learn the skills and steps, we can have fun with improving and enjoying relationships," says Christiana Lawson. A friend of Lawson’s in Texas has enjoyed reading it so much that she says he will share it with his daughter and even teach teenagers about it.

Lawson teaches English at a University in Beijing and lives on campus at the Beijing Foreign Studies University. She is so intrigued by the book that she formed a book discussion group http://canwedancesteps.blogspot.com). "The activities really make me think. I wanted to study with other people to make sure I would learn more and make some changes in my habits," she says.

Rising Rutgers University junior Leif Nabil Segen has big plans. One day, he’ll be a middle school science teacher, earn his doctorate in physics and become an expert in the Middle East, while making the world a better place.

Segen reviewed Can We Dance? He used that experience as a time for personal reflection on his parents’ divorce, his mother’s remarriage and his relationships in high school and college.

"The concepts presented in Can We Dance? offer the realistic, practical alternative to the paradigm of finding a girlfriend and relationships thrown away if seen as a burden, leading to endless drama, heartbreak and broken families. Who wouldn't want a life preserver tossed from solid ground when [they are] staying barely afloat in a previously considered inescapable whirlpool? The book presents a passage toward consistent happiness and well-being," Segen says.
"Don’t expect to find or be with a great person without continually striving to be a better person yourself. Find a friend. No, find friends and become acquainted with their characters. Be sincere and truthful in all your conversations. Be patient and understanding with yourself and with others. It takes time and facing and overcoming difficulties together for true bonds to form. Don’t expect your relationship to match a formula. Do expect real, loving, supportive relationships."

Software developer Anne Bivans, 41, lives in Whitehall, PA, in the Lehigh Valley. Seven years widowed, Bivans has no children, but enjoyed a happy marriage.

"What I like about the book is the continuous emphasis on discerning character qualities. We learn how to evaluate behavior and attitudes. We learn the importance of observing how our partner interacts with family and friends, how flexible he or she is, if he or she acts with integrity and trustworthiness. Often conventional advice tells us to look for people with shared interests and compatible dispositions. Can We Dance? talks about the importance of this, but goes one step further and has us look at shared values and goals and character traits. Interests and hobbies change over time, but character is constant. When asking ourselves, ‘will this person make a good partner?,’ it is important to know the character traits they will bring to a relationship. External conditions of life may change, but what’s most important is if this person can communicate with me, work through problems, be trustworthy, be flexible and show respect.

"It also asks us to examine our own actions and communications and to think about our own character. For example, if I believe acceptance is important, am I able to accept opinions that are different from mine, can I accept a potential partner's different approach to life? How do I handle those situations? Perhaps the best way to prepare for a potential relationship isn't necessarily by getting a haircut or some new clothes, but by examining my own communication styles and behaviors to determine if how I act in a relationship is consistent with my own values," Bivans says.

Alexander defines character as "the sum of all qualities and behaviors that guide someone’s behavior, be they positive or negative influences." She says character is formed by the teen years through parents, family members, friends and teachers. "Any interaction develops character," she says.

The time spent in observing a person’s character is well worth it, and it means so much more in the long run," Alexander says. "Doing community service and spending time with each other’s families as an individual and couple reveal a lot about each person and the best and the worst in each other. You get a clear picture of who that person really is without being blinded by sexual attraction and romance." She says that learning about a person’s character is especially important if you meet someone online. Spending time together in person, in the same place, with each other’s families and friends is absolutely critical. Take your time. Don’t feel pressured to marry because one of you has moved."

If people have work to do in the area of personal and character development, Alexander says they should be encouraged that opportunity for change never stops. "It requires a conscious setting of goals and a desire to change in a good direction," she says. "The process takes as much as two or three years. Partners and spouses should encourage each other and not expect dramatic changes at once."

Alexander wrote Can We Dance? as part of her multi-cultural and interfaith Marriage Transformation Project in Cleveland, OH, which emphasizes character development, truthfulness, service to community, communication skills and discernment as some of the skills needed to determine whether you are in a satisfying marriage, or ready to begin one. "Single women especially need to strengthen their observation skills and trust their intuition. Romance is appealing, and it’s a great feeling to know that someone is there to help you, but it’s vital to take the time to see whether this person would be a good partner."

Janet Murray lives on the Big Island of Hawaii. After two failed marriages and a career as a corporate trainer and technical writer, she is studying to be a life coach while caring for her aging parents. "I am filled with gratitude [for my] newfound ability to draw distinctions in people’s behavior, and a language with which to talk about these distinctions. What a gift and blessing!

"In 30 years of personal growth workshops and my own commitment to excellence and integrity, Alexander’s book captures the essence of all my learning. My ability to observe and assess people’s characters and values has increased dramatically. Had I...read her book many years ago, I would not have married my second husband. I learned about values, how to identify them, how to tell if they are balanced, how to tell if a person is friend material, husband material, etc. ...I am not in a dating relationship at this time. I am, however, prepared for one in a way I would not have been had I not read her book."

Alexander is negotiating with a Maryland community to conduct Marriage Transformation workshops later in the year. Alexander herself has been in a happy second marriage since 1989 with Craig Farnsworth, also her partner in Marriage Transformation. It’s the second marriage for both, and each has children. "Stepfamilies are at greater risk of divorce," Alexander says. "Sometimes it’s necessary to step back and make sure you’ve learned everything from why your first marriage ended," she says. "Most of all, before anyone marries, each person should understand the other’s character. A partner should have strong character qualities and love and respect for you, your children and your family."

Relationships take work, but it’s not all serious. "Humor and having fun are the glues that hold relationships together," Alexander says. "Use humor constructively. Don’t be cutting, sarcastic or hurtful. Build each other up, encourage each other, and don’t tear each other down."